Letters From Beyond
Letters from Beyond: Post Anal Drip

Letters from Beyond: Post Anal Drip

Hey loser! Yeah you, loser!

Are you ready to feel the burn??? Start the exercise plan that puts you in charge and has scientists around the world fuming at just how jacked you can be in only 30 days. You… Read the rest

Letters from Beyond: Existence is Futile

Letters from Beyond: Existence is Futile

Hey Dick,
It’s been too long since we last spoke! How’s the wife doing? I heard that she was working at Lens Crafters on work release. My son Lester just found out he won tickets to the Meatloaf Laser… Read the rest

Letters from Beyond: Tronasaurus vs. Yakuza

Letters from Beyond: Tronasaurus vs. Yakuza

Dale, this is the article that made me want to stop cutting myself.

Excerpt from interview with master thespian Sir Michael Caine in Avocado Monthly, June 1987:

“So, I’m in South America, shooting the film Blame It On Rio. I… Read the rest

Letters from Beyond: Smelly Fishy Bits

Letters from Beyond: Smelly Fishy Bits

To: Guy who updates stuff @ Lazydate.com
From: Mr. Larry Bastage Jr.

This is my updated dating profile. Please put it on your interweb computer site so I can score some chicks cuz I ain’t getting any dates. I… Read the rest

Letters from Beyond: Minutiae of Destruction

Letters from Beyond: Minutiae of Destruction

Mr. Harold,

We’ve recently gone back into the archives for some original commercial ideas for the new Klondike Bar/Hot Pockets crossover next quarter. Here are a few of the “what would you do…?” questions we wanted your opinions on:… Read the rest

Letters from Beyond: Be American, Buy A Gun Today!

Letters from Beyond: Be American, Buy A Gun Today!

Heya Todd,

Have you heard? Todd Quimby told me that Todd Chambers was caught masturbating in a pond again; the police had to throw rocks at him to get him to finally stop. Todd Zarusthan said that he was upset… Read the rest

Letters from Beyond: Don't Touch Kids

Letters from Beyond: Don’t Touch Kids

Marlon, since you’re my attorney, I thought it would be necessary to give you a revised list of my wishes when I pass.

THE LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT OF FOSTER R. MURNOW III ESQ.

To my gracious wife Brunhilda, I… Read the rest

Letters from Beyond: Genital Euphemisms

Letters from Beyond: Genital Euphemisms

COME AND SEE!!!
Grandpa Withers’ Annual KARNIVAL OF KARNAGE!!!

Be Amazed as Pete ‘The French Tickler’ McButtle pulls a bathtub full of LIVE EXPLOSIVES through 1000 yards of mud WITH HIS TAINT!!!

Letters from Beyond: Oh, Blubbertoes...

Letters from Beyond: Oh, Blubbertoes…

To My Former Life Partner,

I know what you are going to say. First and foremost, this is NOT a cult, Eugenia. These people are great; they don’t judge me or my homemade dialysis machine. Unlike you, you always… Read the rest

Letters from Beyond: The Jokes on Yousef

Letters from Beyond: The Jokes on Yousef

Dr. Schmoz June 2011 Newsletter

“Hello everyone! I hope all of you enjoy a great and healthy summer! I hope that, if you haven’t already, you all purchase my newest book The Healing Powers of Corn. The book is ‘A-MAIZE-ING’!… Read the rest

Letters from Beyond: Hubie Loomis and the Nudes

Letters from Beyond: Hubie Loomis and the Nudes

Zenthalia,

I have traveled across the dark Cluster of Effluvius to reach you. I have traversed the insurmountable Bok Globules and even been through the dangerous Black Hole of Rylak just for your sweet embrace. I am coming for you.… Read the rest

Letters from Beyond: Angels Stole My Moonbeams

Letters from Beyond: Angels Stole My Moonbeams

Dennis,

Your Uncle Porky died. I left a tree branch in your tennis shoes. Claude Vanderloo went up to Serpent Creek and caught a 96 lb. foul-mouthed bass. Your Aunt Terry has lupus. Next time you come over, don’t forget… Read the rest

Letters from Beyond: Metal Tastes Like Blood

Letters from Beyond: Metal Tastes Like Blood

Roderick,
Please put this into the flier for the upcoming season.

Summer Entertainment Schedule @ The Mojo Palace

June 3rd Dirty Dick and the Jango Five
June 9th The Dog Catchers
June 14th Maneater (Hall & Oates Tribute… Read the rest

Letters from Beyond: Chewbacca Needs Medicine

Letters from Beyond: Chewbacca Needs Medicine

Dear Santa,

I’ve been such a good little girl. I haven’t dropped my little brother in acid all year. When my parents want me to do something, I make sure I do it or I know someone’s gonna get their… Read the rest

Letters from Beyond: Zoltar Speaks

Letters from Beyond: Zoltar Speaks

Toby,

I’d really appreciate if you stop judging me. Your insistence on placing me at the scene of the crime because I have the murder weapon is really annoying. We all loved Jezebel and it’s a real shame she was… Read the rest