Letters From Beyond
Letters from Beyond: The Old Wangdoodle

Letters from Beyond: The Old Wangdoodle

Submission 93 to The Evansville Courier Poetry Contest:

Letters from Beyond: R.I.P. Cousin Spooky

Letters from Beyond: R.I.P. Cousin Spooky

Agent Rambo,

The agents of Operation: Shipwreck have found the encoded transcript from the two spies we captured, our cryptographic experts are still working on deciphering the code. This is what they’ve found:

CRAB RANGOON: “Monkeyshines, this is Crab… Read the rest

Letters from Beyond: Guatamalan Beef Palace

Letters from Beyond: Guatamalan Beef Palace

Mr. Slaven Slor,

Presenting for your approval, our newest venture called Hypoxia. The overall idea is cuisine nouveau; we want to be the trendsetters for the newest age of restaurant dining. We think up-and-coming head Chef Jeffrey Weznebergerfuff and his… Read the rest

Letters from Beyond: Salami in the Ashtray

Letters from Beyond: Salami in the Ashtray

Dear Friend,

If you know someone who LOVES you, then you know the JOY it brings to your life. Forward this letter to 60 of your friends and then someone will LOVE them too, and all their greatest DREAMS will… Read the rest

Letters from Beyond: World's Favorite Corn

Letters from Beyond: World’s Favorite Corn

Dear Lily Parker-Nelson @ Babynamez.com,

Since Marcus and I have to run Fortune 500 companies, we don’t have the time to think of a name for our first child. We need you to help give us a name that will… Read the rest

Letters from Beyond: Harry Moals

Letters from Beyond: Harry Moals

grandpa quizbot and mom mom george.

rehab is goin ok. ive grown to love lentils very much. i no longer wanna smoke rock. they treat me good. they pore dog blood in my shoes and make me walk they says… Read the rest

Letters from Beyond: Salty Chicken Flaps

Letters from Beyond: Salty Chicken Flaps

Daddy,

I wanted tacos. Instead, Maurice took me to the beach. And the worst part is that I crapped all over myself after I lost my top in the ocean again. A giant sea slug grabbed my leg and took… Read the rest

Letters from Beyond: My Dripples

Letters from Beyond: My Dripples

Dear Neighbor/Asshole that Lives Next Door,

I’m just going to let it all out on the table and tell you that if you park your fancy-ass sports car in front of my driveway again, I will bust your windows and… Read the rest

Letters from Beyond: Christ is Bored

Letters from Beyond: Christ is Bored

(Transcript of Company CEO Tonto Roosevelt’s Farewell Speech)
Dear All Esteemed Colleagues and Friends,
Suction Cups. That was my life for 45 years. The family business. I was featured in more issues of Rubber Products Monthly than anyone.… Read the rest

Letters from Beyond: Satan Rides Shotgun

Letters from Beyond: Satan Rides Shotgun

Dear Ms. Putnam @ Mill St. Orphanage

Schwanks the Clown (aka Mr. Doug Schwankerman) will no longer be showing off his amazing fire breathing skills at parties because of last week’s unfortunate events. Once again, our apologies to the Mill… Read the rest

Letters from Beyond: Catholic Mass = Density x Volume + Lies

Letters from Beyond: Catholic Mass = Density x Volume + Lies

Submission 414 to the The Evansville Courier Poetry Contest:

Chinese People (Unabridged)

Letters from Beyond: Clubber Language

Letters from Beyond: Clubber Language

Victor,

I finished the original song for your wedding tomorrow. I apologize that it took so long.
The lyrics are written below. I have to warn you though; I took 4 tabs of acid before I wrote this. But… Read the rest

Letters from Beyond: Crooks and Nannies

Letters from Beyond: Crooks and Nannies

Bruce,
Here’s that flier for that show that sounded kind of neat:

Letters from Beyond: Psychosomatic Transmission

Letters from Beyond: Psychosomatic Transmission

Silas,
Have I got a story for you! So yeah, I was talking with my good friend Jesus a few weeks ago, and he said “You know man, I banged a lot of women, A LOT of women, but I… Read the rest

Letters from Beyond: Smile or Be Tortured

Letters from Beyond: Smile or Be Tortured

Dear Psychology Tomorrow,

I heard that right before you die you get this tickling sensation strong through your spine. It ravages you as it reaches your very essence. It crackles as it flows up and down until you finally give… Read the rest