Dennis,

Your Uncle Porky died. I left a tree branch in your tennis shoes. Claude Vanderloo went up to Serpent Creek and caught a 96 lb. foul-mouthed bass. Your Aunt Terry has lupus. Next time you come over, don’t forget to bring your time machine. I won a year’s supply of anti-fungal cream at the grange fair. We ate at Cracker Barrel yesterday morning, I had steak and eggs and Beatrice had the Lobster Thermidor. I just read that if you take too much aspirin, your saliva will become self-aware. I found your robopenis. Please come visit soon.

Aunt Randall