Heya Todd,

Have you heard? Todd Quimby told me that Todd Chambers was caught masturbating in a pond again; the police had to throw rocks at him to get him to finally stop. Todd Zarusthan said that he was upset because he lost his magic spoon at the drive thru at Wendy’s. But I heard from Todd Martinez that the real reason was because he dropped his leather bound copy of The Time Traveler’s Wife in Todd Thurlman’s colostomy bag. All I can definitely say is that Todd Porkfister was really nauseated by your mime version of Lolita; I told you that it would be a disaster! Todd Josephi-Steinwald stopped over yesterday and left some amazing steamed salad with extra goat pollen, just the way you like it. He said that Todd Flimbim fell off his carousel and landed in a pit of discarded knives. Had to get 80 stitches in his eye and they needed to restructure his epiglottis. Real shame. Are you coming to the semi-annual sale at Paco Taco? I have a coupon. Well, hit me up on Twitter @unicornrapeforrealz!

Your bitch,
Todd Skeezak