Dear Santa,

I’ve been such a good little girl. I haven’t dropped my little brother in acid all year. When my parents want me to do something, I make sure I do it or I know someone’s gonna get their teeth busted again. I help my mom while she tends to her garden in the backyard and help her bury all those photos of gunshot wounds she keeps coming home with. I know I’ve been extra good this year, so Santa, what I really want is a unicorn. A glittering, sparkling unicorn named Rainbow. I know we can play all day together, even when daddy wants me to rub his thighs till he falls asleep. I know I deserve Rainbow but if for whatever reason I don’t get Rainbow, I will punch the living fuck out of you, you godless fat fuck.

Abigail Winthorpe
West Pinsnipple IN

P.S. Don’t give me any of that shit about unicorns not existing OK? You got flying fucking reindeer; so, make it happen you diabetic troll.