Marlon, since you’re my attorney, I thought it would be necessary to give you a revised list of my wishes when I pass.

THE LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT OF FOSTER R. MURNOW III ESQ.

To my gracious wife Brunhilda, I leave my Rolls-Royce, my poker set, and my autographed copy of Van Wilder.

To my loving son Lester, I leave my collection of scat porn, my subscription to Netflix, and that nude picture of Aunt Milton you liked so much.

To my idiot son Chester, I leave my bag of celebrity pubic hair, my pickled pig fetus Delilah, and everything in the fridge.

To my transgender daughter Amanduh, I leave my encyclopedias, my recipe for banana guacamole, and my chainmail sweatsuit.

To my full-time butler/part-time lover Carson, I leave my ice skates, my mustache, and my stormtroopers.

And to my pet basilisk Hermes, I leave the house, the Lamborghini, my box seats for the Lakers, my vibrating bed, and Brunhilda.

Signed in earnest,
Foster R. Murnow III Esq.