Hey loser! Yeah you, loser!

Are you ready to feel the burn??? Start the exercise plan that puts you in charge and has scientists around the world fuming at just how jacked you can be in only 30 days. You will build more muscle and feel stronger in less than 48 hours…GUARANTEED! P90x is a joke and fuck Jazzercise because that shit is for homosexuals and deviants.
You want to get in shape!?!
Well, first things first…

Find some old used vending machine parts and begin building a fighting robot to spar with. Do the best you can.

Begin every day by spreading mint jelly all over yourself; this will get the endorphins really going.

Now, the daily routine:
1) Run face first into your oven door; do about 10 reps of that.
2) Drag a wheelbarrow full of dead animals across your lawn with your teeth; do about 10 reps of that.
3) Walk up to metal pole (any will do; traffic light, street light, etc.) and vigorously thrust your pelvis in and out straight into the side of the pole. Be sure to wrap your arms around the pole for maximum balance. It’s good to scream obscenities and taunt any passers-by; this works your abdominals as well. Try to do this for at least a solid 20 minutes. FEEL THAT BURN!
4) Purchase a large brick of ice and smash your ears into the side of it as hard as you can try; do about 40 reps of that per ear.
5) Dig a 6’ x 6’ hole in your front yard. Fill it with broken glass bottles and lots of pudding in any flavor of your choice (I prefer banana). Strip down to your birthday suit and blindly jump into the hole. Now, violently masturbate while singing your favorite country-western songs. Do this for about 30 minutes daily.

Other daily ideas to keep you pumped include…

When you’re in line at a supermarket, challenge anyone in front of you to a Filipino knife fight for their spot in line; call them all ‘pussies’ if necessary.

When you go to the gym, tell the staff that these machines aren’t big enough, and that you won’t come back until they get bigger machines; if you remember, refer to your homemade fighting robot.

If possible, buy a fake police badge and commandeer someone’s vehicle to take you to work. If they refuse, throw them into a tree. Be sure to grunt heavily when doing so.

For breakfast, lunch and dinner have your delicious protein smoothie. Get out a blender and process 4 hotdogs, half a jar of mayonnaise, a tablespoon of cinnamon, a cup of tepid water and 2-3 Oxycodones (optional).

DO NOT CONSULT with your doctor before starting this exercise plan. Those saggy tit know-it-alls just want to keep you weak and pump you for insurance money.

I guarantee results within 48 hours or you’re not a real man.
Dr. Fred Bluglehart, D.V.D.A.
Doctor of Very Dangerous Activities