Dr. Schmoz June 2011 Newsletter

“Hello everyone! I hope all of you enjoy a great and healthy summer! I hope that, if you haven’t already, you all purchase my newest book The Healing Powers of Corn. The book is ‘A-MAIZE-ING’! I’m so great. Really, I am. Anyways, here are some facts for you to know for the upcoming warm months.”

-If you eat a handful of black jelly beans each day for 6 weeks, you will speak like James Earl Jones.

-Ingesting too much Brillo can lead to a premature death.

- Recent studies show that consuming 3 slices of Pizza Hut Meat Lover’s pizza every day can increase your sex drive, prevent cancer and cause people to like you more.

-A friendly reminder, white people are clearly the superior race!

-Too little exercising and poor nutrition can lead to diabetes, stroke, and heart attack. Also, there is a 4% chance it can lead to a visit from a dejected, inebriated Mark Hamill.

-According to a new study done in the UK, if you drink a cup of saliva from a hobo, you will grow an extra set of teeth.

-Screaming at children is an excellent way to release endorphins.

-Contrary to popular beliefs, eating a human umbilicus will give you temporary telepathic powers. However, consuming an umbilicus after midnight can cause you to go into a terrible bankruptcy. (Read my book for my healthy umbilicus smoothie recipes!)

-According to some guy on the street, listening to the Pina Colada Song can lead to overt homosexuality. There’s even a chance it can lead to complete omnisexuality.

Dr. Schmoz is the Award-Winning, New York Times Best-Selling, All-Knowing, All-Powerful Author of such books as Your Carpet Will Kill You! and 5 Reasons Not to Trust Fat People.